It's a Bad Day

I almost went to Quail Ridge Books last night to join the Mystery Readers’ Book Club; the topic of discussion was ‘Mysteries Set in Italy’ (for those of you who don’t know me, two facts: I’m a voracious reader and absolutely devour mysteries, and… Italy is my second favorite place in the world placing only a wee bit behind Scotland). However, I didn’t go. I just dreaded going by myself. I’m so tired of doing everything on my own and quite frankly, I’m starting to NOT do things I like because I have no one to share my interests with. I’m not enough for me, I want someone else in my life. I wonder if I lost 30 pounds or was 10 years younger if I’d find someone. Maybe I have some off-putting characteristic I’m not aware of. I wonder what's wrong with me that my family and friends haven’t made any effort to set me up with anyone. I've asked people to introduce me to any single guys they know, and I make jokes (while not really joking) about "Is he single and my age" but I'm not even going to do that anymore. My ego just can't take any more rejection. I hate the other side of my bed being empty and I'm not talking about sex. I miss knowing that someone is there for me.

So what to do, what to do? I've had my shower and am ready to go to work so I'll paste a smile on my face and get on with my day and pretend like I'm just fine. I don't have a big following so only about five people, if that many, will even know that my heart is shredded. Today I’m sad. Today I don’t want to go to work or even set foot out my door. Today I’d like to curl up in my bed and cry.