Moving Day

Today it's off to college for me - as the moving mom, of course. My car is stuffed with a dorm refrigerator, boxes, boxes, boxes, bags, totes, an actual suitcase and other stuff of unknown origin - the giraffe and TV and more boxes and totes and stuff is in my daughter's Jeep. We're about to leave for the three hour drive so I'm signing off - we decided last night to leave at 7:00 instead of 6:00. The girl is very chipper this morning, excited about getting back to her life but already sad that this is her last year. Reality is starting to hit...getting a grown-up job, finding a place to live, bills, - all the grown-up things are suddenly upon her. Hey, at least she gets it so I'm happy that she's thinking about these things. OK - gotta go use my really wimpy muscles and move boxes and stuff into a dorm room. More tomorrow!

The Hidden Gem

My daughter and I went gem-mining this weekend in Hiddenite, NC for what turned out to be another crazy/wonderful mother-daughter adventure! We started out just fine - checked the weather first and were happy to read on Weather.com that there was only a 5% chance of an isolated thunderstorm so we put down the top on her Jeep and took off. We talked of really serious life-changing things, and we also laughed and sang at the top of our lungs on the way up there. For the first hour and a half anyway. Then it happened. The black cloud...the 5% chance. We noticed that the sky was getting a little cloudy and the temp seemed to drop a bit but since we were in a higher elevation, we really didn't pay that much attention to it. Besides that, we just had too much to talk about (like the man in the pick-up one lane over who was smoking a cheroot - not a cigar, mind you but an actual cheroot - arm hanging out the window, leering like an overly dramatic dastardly villain from a vaudeville movie and furiously pumping his eyebrows up and down at me each time I glanced his way). But back to my story. So we're going along about 75, and we notice that there were a few raindrops or else a very sheer mist on the windshield. Of course, we didn't feel anything on our skin because we were going so fast so the ‘moisture’ was no big deal. If Mama's not wet, it isn't raining, right? We just kind of looked at each other and after a few "I don't know, what do you think - should we pull over and put the top up?" moments we decided that we'd drive on a bit to see what happens. We were having a lovely drive and had no intentions of letting a little mist take the wind out of our hair (although when I saw myself later I really should have insisted having the top up and the A/C on the whole way - but that's a story best not described LOL). We drove on for about five minutes and then it happened. The sky turned black as night at the precise moment quarter-sized raindrops started falling with intense regularity. We started to feel the cool rain on our bare arms. That was it for me....time to put the top up! We were very lucky that there was an exit about a half mile ahead so she got off and pulled under a gas station overhang while we (OK, she) put the top up. I had one of those seemingly simple moments when an easy decision seems to echo my life at the moment: do we turn around and go back home? We're about halfway between home and our destination. It was tempting to slip back into old habits and say 'let's just go back where it's safe' but I didn't...it was one of those moments of clarity: I'm halfway between the past and the future...which will I choose? I say let's take a chance and just push on so we get back on the road and the gullywasher starts full force! Every car that didn't pull over on the side of the road was going about 30 miles an hour with hazards flashing. The road had almost two inches of rain on it and people were stupidly slamming on their brakes for no apparent reason. Needless to say, it was a very tense hour in the storm from h-e-double-hockey-sticks. Thunder that rattled the seats in the Jeep, lightning that illuminated what would have been white-out conditions had it been snow - this was a really bad storm, folks, and my daughter who was terrified to drive for such a long time handled the weather like a pro. Other than reminding me one time in an almost polite way that she was the driver and not me (as in, 'Will you please shut up, Mom, I'm trying to drive in a freakin' storm!’) she was fantastic.

The sun finally came out and we made it to the gem mine, only an hour later than we were supposed to arrive. This place was red. There was red clay, red dirt, red dust everywhere - on the trees, the cars, the buildings, ...the people walking around were streaked with red dirt. After we parked, which was an adventure in itself as there was nothing more than a gutted road with red-dusted gravel weaving in and out of the woods with occasional places to squeeze in a car or truck here and there. It was really rustic but then again, a gem mine should be, right? We hopped out of the Jeep and walked down a big hill to a little shack where you pay for your right to play in the dirt and make your fortune. After we paid, we got our little complementary buckets of red dirt and sat down at the sluicing troughs and proceeded to uncover all kinds of native stones that are just beautiful but nothing of value. We discovered that it's really fun to play in the dirt once in a while as a grown-up. Seriously, there's something so simple and childlike and freeing to look for treasures, moving dirt turned to mud in the sieve as you roll the rocks in circles under your palms to get as much of the red dirt off as you can, watching the fresh water turn to a muddy stream as it carries away the obscuring veil which covered the sparkle of potential riches just sitting in the bottom of your sieve box. Needless to say, we caught the mining bug and bought a big bucket of red dirt! We sluiced, and got red stuff all over us and I ruined my nails and we ooohed and aaahed over each other and our neighbor’s finds, and then went down to the creek and sluiced and threw back (we had no idea what we were looking for so who knows, we may have thrown back a fortune!) then back to the troughs to sluice and oooh and aaah once more before we began the long drive back. The whole time, we were talking and laughing and meeting other people – we truly enjoyed our day. We ended up with a lot of sapphires and rubies and my daughter found one star sapphire that is particularly valuable but for me, the hidden gem, the best find of the day, priceless beyond all imagining, was the time I spent with a fascinating young woman who just happens to be my daughter.

Good Morning, World

It's 6:07 on my computer clock; I'm eating half an English Muffin with peanut butter and drinking a cup of coffee. I've been awake since 5:15 and I've had this ongoing thought since my eyes flew open like a sprung spring on a window shade...I have to buy my daughter a refrigerator this weekend to take back to college with her. It's just a random thought but I think that's what woke me. Isn't that strange? I have a friend who either can't get to sleep or wakes up early because her mind is filled with her writing, where her characters are, how to write the perfect query letter...this I can understand because writing is such a passionate pursuit (it pursues you, not vice versa). But come on...a dorm fridge? I can't do anything at 5:15am about buying one so why am I awake? I suppose it's better than the last few days, waking at 4:48am. It's said as one gets older, less sleep is required. While that may be true, when I'm not sleeping I'd really like the sun to be out when forced wakefulness is upon me. It's DARK out right now. Living in an apartment, I don't get to hear the day wake up in the usual sense. I don't hear birds singing - I hear the people in the next apartment slamming cupboard doors (I think it's their kids rummaging for cereal). I don't hear the neighbor's car start up as they are going to work, I hear ALL the neighbors and their conversations - their voices float up to my fourth floor apartment clear as a bell. That reminds me...there is a little boy, about 10 years old, who plays outside the corner apartment on the ground floor under a cluster of trees. He's usually alone but there is one younger child with him occasionally. He is very vocally abusive to the younger child, telling him that he's going to tie him up and kill him and all manner of violent things! I sincerely hope this is simply a case of too much WWF television or else this kid is going to be a serial killer. I wouldn't be so concerned as boys play out some pretty strong fantasies when young and trying to find their style of manhood but the tone of this child's voice is chilling - there is a growl to it, almost feral sounding when he speaks to this other young boy, and you can hear he's speaking through clenched teeth. The anger just reverberates. He sounds like a totally different person when he's playing by himself or with older children; he sings and says hello to everyone and plays his games under the tree like any other child. Chill bumps are rising on my arms.

Well, daylight slipped in during my second cup of coffee so I'm off to shower and go to work. It's a good day for me. My daughter is flying back from California and I pick her up this evening. Then tomorrow, it's off to Franklin early, early morning to spend the day gem-mining. We are a crazy mother-daughter pair as we love to go on off-the-beaten path adventures. We have so much fun together and we don't fight! I'm really looking forward to the few days we'll have here and then it's off to Sweet Briar to get her back in college for her last year! Whoo Hoo!!

Have a great day, everyone, and remember to be aware of and grateful for your many daily blessings. Life is good, and today I'm grateful that my main worry is how to work a dorm fridge into my budget.

As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them.
~John Fitzgerald Kennedy

On A Dime

Isn’t it amazing the way your world can turn around in just a second? Just one tiny moment, a mere fraction of a splinter of time and Poof!- everything is different. Life is new again and shiny and filled with possibilities! I am on top of the world today. I’m strong and confident, and I feel fantastic. So what happened? It’s as if a switch was flipped inside my brain; I changed my attitude towards myself and my life and world is now beautiful! I had been flailing in a sea of residual hurt and anger and betrayal for such a long time and it felt like I was constantly pumping my arms and pushing towards the shore of clarity but never getting there. Yesterday, I did a quick, impulse shopping trip at lunch with a wonderful friend who told me quite frankly what looked good and what didn’t and when we found the outfit I ended up wearing last night, we both knew it was perfect. That was a real confidence booster for me and I really felt something shift when I realized how good I looked. Sure, it’s the same body but looking at yourself from a different point of view does wonders for your ego. After work, I sold my wedding ring at a gold party. It was the most liberating, freeing thing I could have done for myself. All the sticky, clingy molasses-goo of leftover emotional baggage is gone! I’m serious – this morning I probed for the old, familiar, achy Eeyore-ish feeling of the black cloud around my heart and it’s just not there. I actually woke up smiling. I have energy and am so thankful for whatever this is. And...are you ready for this???? I can’t wait to get back to my apartment and start making it truly mine. I’m not worried about losing my apartment when I lose my job in December because I feel something truly wonderful is just around the corner for my life. This little caterpillar has finally emerged from her protective cocoon as a vibrant butterfly, free to fly through life on whatever currents she chooses. From that one split second attitude shift, my life turned...on a dime.

When one door of happiness closes, another opens, but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one that has been opened for us.

Helen Keller

It Was Worth It

Tonight was my Cinderella night. It was enchanted, it was fun and funny and flirty and oh so romantic! I'm on Cloud Nine right now and that's all I'm going to say about it. Yes, I met someone at the Singles Meet-up. We talked, and talked, and talked. Really, I'm not saying any more about him because, you guessed it!...I really like this man.

I could rhapsodize about him as if I were still in high school but nope, not gonna do it. I'll just leave you all with this one visual: It's 11:52 on a Wednesday night and my face is hurting because I'm smiling so much.

It was a perfect Cinderella night.

Flirting After 50 - Use It or Lose It

I’ve made a conscious effort to be out of my apartment at least three nights a week and tonight...well, tonight is a Single’s Meet-Up at Bahama Breeze, a restaurant not too far from where I live. Gotta tell you, I’m actually nervous on a couple of levels. First off, what am I going to wear? It can’t be too dressy but not work-looking either. I tried on a couple of outfits this morning before going to work and they would have been perfect a mere 10 pounds ago. I’d like to appear confident and subtly sexy but not over the top. Next, how am I going to manage my time? I have to leave work, go home and decide what to wear, get a shower again (did this right before I left for work), shave my legs again (again-did it this morning) because ya never know....then drop by my girl friend’s house for a gold party at 6pm, sell my wedding ring real quick, then head back across town and be at Bahama Breeze by 6:30 for an evening of fun. Third, it hit me this morning: what on God’s green earth am I doing? I’ve forgotten how to flirt, how to send out those “Come here you hunka, hunka burnin’ love” pheromones. Right now, I’m so panicked about tonight that I can’t think of a single interesting thing to keep in mind as a topic of conversation. And how do I know that if I meet a man that I actually like, how am I supposed to let him know I’m interested if I can’t remember how to flirt? What are the rules now? Do I give him my card and hope he calls or should I ask him to meet me for a cup of coffee sometime soon (at my place perhaps, naked perhaps? Just Kidding, Just Kidding!!!!).
How did wanting to have a little fun at 52 get to be so stressful? I just can’t believe the single world should be this scary to me and I wonder how I got to this point where I feel like I’ve forgotten how to be a woman. But deep down, I know what happened. I fell in love. I got married and concentrated only on him and forgot about me as a woman – I was only a wife and mother. I was in a grocery story long ago with my daughter and as we walked out she started laughing. When I asked her what was so funny she said, “Mo-om, (in that “Mom-you’re-so-dumb” voice that 12 year old girls do so well) didn’t you see that guy checking you out? He was talking to you and never took his eyes off your eyes....”. What does that say about me that my 12 year old daughter noticed and I didn’t? Anyway, she went on to point out that the guy was flirting with me and I didn’t even notice. I didn’t have the slightest clue because I wasn’t looking for it. Hmmm, is that the clue??? I should be looking for signals from men? What are their signals? I’ve honestly forgotten! And if I’m supposed to be looking for their signals, and still sending out my own “You are so cute/sexy/sweet” signals, who goes first? And OMG I just had another thought about tonight...what if I get there and I’m invisible? I’m about to break out in a cold sweat! Maybe I’ll just stay home after all. This seems like too much work for something that’s supposed to be fun. I’ve heard that certain skills need to be used or they are quickly lost, like a beautiful singing voice: it will get rusty if not used. But who would have thought that flirting after 50 would be a use it or lose it skill? Maybe tonight will be Remedial Woman 101 for me.

Making Progress!

Hello All,

It’s been a while since I’ve last written and I find that I’ve missed writing about herbs. I let my daily doings get in the way of my purposeful passion but I’m baaaack!

So what’s new, you ask? Well, I got my bottles in but I gave up on designing my own labels. I’m smart enough to know that in spite of my best efforts, I just don’t have the talent and know-how for it, not to mention that I don’t have the correct software. I’ve asked a young lady who’s studying to be a graphic designer to do the labels for me. This feels like a smart move to me as I refuse to test market and sell my products with an amateur looking label slapped on them. If I want my business to be taken seriously, my products must look professional as well. Another new thing? I’ve made a wonderful rosemary infusion and am using it two ways: on my face as a wash and on my scalp as a rinse. I have dermatitis (roughly translated it means really flaky skin cell buildups) on my face and yes, as embarrassing as it is to admit, often in my scalp as well. Rosemary’s volatile oils act as a toner and astringent that help remove the dead skin cells. It’s funny but even though it is an astringent, it doesn’t sting at all or burn my eyes or make my skin turn red and it leaves a smooth, silky feeling to my face. It also made my hair very shiny! And the last new thing? I’ve made a Rosemary Shampoo! It’s just awesome and since it’s barely scented from the fresh herb, it won’t overpower your favorite perfume. It works well on dandruff and other causes of scalp flakiness.

Oh, yes. On the wedding side of things, I’m making herbal cookies, cakes and breads as part of my product line and have completed the pricing for my herbal wedding sachets for brides and guests as well as the herbal mix guests toss at the newly married couple. Step by step I’m getting there! I still need start-up money so if you know of an angel investor, please point them my way.

GOD made the earth yield healing herbs, which the prudent man should not neglect.
Ecclesiastes 38:4

Rosemary: A Threat to Manhood????

I’ve been doing research on rosemary and the more I study, the more I realize just how versatile and interesting this Mediterranean herb really is. Its name is actually the Latin word rosmarinus, meaning Dew of the Sea. But rather than give you its history, or even worse, rhapsodize over the chemical properties of this wonderful herb, I thought I’d give you a glimpse of how rosemary was revered in the Middle Ages.

'Take the flowers thereof and make powder thereof and binde it to thy right arme in a linnen cloath and it shale make thee light and merrie.
'Take the flowers and put them in thy chest among thy clothes or among thy Bookes and Mothes shall not destroy them.
'Boyle the leaves in white wine and washe thy face therewith and thy browes, and thou shalt have a faire face.
'Also put the leaves under thy bedde and thou shalt be delivered of all evill dreames.
'Take the leaves and put them into wine and it shall keep the wine from all sourness and evill savours, and if thou wilt sell thy wine thou shalt have goode speede.
'Also if thou be feeble boyle the leaves in cleane water and washe thyself and thou shalt wax shiny.
'Also if thou have lost appetite of eating boyle well these leaves in cleane water and when the water is colde put thereunto as much of white wine and then make sops, eat them thereof wel and thou shalt restore thy appetite againe.
'If thy legges be blowen with gowte, boyle the leaves in water and binde them in a linnen cloath and winde it about thy legges and it shall do thee much good.
'If thou have a cough drink the water of the leaves boyld in white wine and ye shall be whole.
'Take the Timber thereof and burn it to coales and make powder thereof and rubbe thy teeth thereof and it shall keep thy teeth from all evils. Smell it oft and it shall keep thee youngly.
'Also if a man have lost his smellyng of the ayre that he may not draw his breath, make a fire of the wood, and bake his bread therewith, eate it and it shall keepe him well.
'Make thee a box of the wood of rosemary and smell to it and it shall preserve thy youth.'

Rosemary has long been associated with wedding ceremonies; the bride would wear a rosemary headpiece and the groom and wedding guests would all wear a sprig of rosemary, and from this association with weddings rosemary evolved into a love charm. Newly wed couples would plant a branch of rosemary on their wedding day. If the branch grew it was a good omen for the union and family.

In ‘A Modern Herbal’, Mrs. Grieves says “A rosemary branch, richly gilded and tied with silken ribands of all colours, was also presented to wedding guests, as a symbol of love and loyalty.” Another example of rosemary’s use as a love charm was that a young person would tap another with a rosemary sprig and if the sprig contained an open flower, it was said that the couple would fall in love.

Rosemary was used as a divinatory herb: several types of herbs were grown in pots and assigned the name of a potential lover. Then they were left to grow and the plant that grew the strongest and fastest gave the answer.

Rosemary was also stuffed into poppets (cloth dolls) in order to attract a lover or attract curative vibrations for illness.

It was believed that placing a sprig of rosemary under a pillow before sleep would repel nightmares, and if placed outside the home it would repel witches. Somehow, the use of rosemary in the garden to repel witches turned into signification that the woman ruled the household in homes and gardens where rosemary grew abundantly. By the 16th century, this practice became a bone of contention; and men were known to rip up rosemary bushes to show that they, not their wives, ruled the roost.

Now that last one’s an interesting little snippet isn’t it? It just screams of the age-old quest by men to be the dominant gender. … Great topic for another blog. I’ll have to think a bit on this one.

Just Taking a Brain Break

I have nothing I can really share at the moment - got my feelings hurt yesterday by a friend, frustrated with how slowly I'm progressing to get where I want to go, worried about finding another job, missing having a man-friend, bored with feeling this way...

Let me rephrase that: I have too much to share today. Too many thoughts to write anything clearly. I need to think things through today and make a plan. Time to start making Action Lists. Hmmm~that's a good plan. Action Lists. I can do it in Project and make time lines. I'll have completion dates. I'll take back the control of my life. Ennui is a seductive siren but the river of strength that runs through my veins hears no call but that of my soul. Hah, take that, ennui! Go away, Fate. I'm walking (and sometimes crawling) on my path and even though it's the one less traveled, I will one day arrive at destination's end.

A Hell of a Storm & Toad Song Farm

3:35 am. I was wide awake and terrified of the huge storm that punched its way through the inky pre-dawn blanket with a cacophony of thunder and snaps and shrieking wind that sounded like a banshee from hell, viciously punctuated by jagged streaks of lightning that resembled an over-the-top scene portraying a movie version of the last days in Revelations. I was really, really scared, for the first time in my life, of weather. I'm the one who stands outside during a hurricane and revels in the power of the wind. I'm the one who can feel ozone in the air long before the lightning strikes. I'm the one who watches for flipped-over leaves on trees: a no-fail indicator that rain is coming very soon. But this time I felt so alone, so vulnerable and that was frightening in and of itself! I truly thought at one point that I was hearing a tornado coming in - on the news this morning the anchors reported lots of straight line winds but no tornado, thank goodness. Since I was so scared, I decided to do some market research for Thistle Cottage's Business Plan. As I was checking to see what similar operations were in the area, I came across Toad Song Farm in Clayton. I already knew of their name from a gardening meet-up I've joined but I just didn't put two and two together. I heard 'farm' and thought 'farm' as in - you know...cows, goats, a couple of acres of vegetables growing. WOW ~ nothing like seeing your dream already on someone else's farm. I may have to either re-think my approach to herbs if I stay in this area, or else move further away so as not to compete. I may not be business-savvy yet, but I do know that the market is not large enough for both of us to make a living at it and seeing as how they are already so established, Thistle Cottage wouldn't survive in this economy with a new business providing the same service as that which is already thriving. I think I'll go visit them when they re-open in September and see if they would be willing to share some of their knowledge with me as far as planting, what sells best, etc.

So...I'm not looking at this as a set back but a minor challenge on the road to fulfilling my dream. I'll just re-evaluate my options and press on.

My sister is in surgery right now - please keep her in your thoughts. Love you Li'l Sis.

Scorpions in the Brain

Let me start this blog off with an apology to myself and to you, my dear readers. I just re-read yesterday's entry: I sound like Pitiful Pauline! Whining, sniveling, woe is me. I promise you that you will not read again of my pathetic lack of a love life. That's my new rule for myself...no more pity parties. I can't let myself get down like that as I am the only one who can pick me back up. So - - no more of that nonsense (I'm metaphorically brushing myself off LOL). I had a nice little surprise yesterday. A co-worker who knows of my interest in herbs brought in for me a pot of mint and a pot of basil and mint planted together. He and his wife have a garden and grow all kinds of vegetables and herbs, in addition to the chickens they raise and eggs they sell. I did some research to see how I can grow mint and basil as organically as possible all year round inside my apartment so I looked on the Herb Society of America's web page to learn more about basil propogation. In addition to growing information, I found some really interesting information about its history:

"Basil has a long and interesting history steeped in legend. Probably originating in Asia and Africa, it is thought to have been brought to ancient Greece by Alexander the Great (356-323 B.C.E.), to have made its way to England from India in the mid 1500s and arrived in the U.S in the early 1600s. It was grown in medieval gardens and is mentioned in many classic herbals, including those of Culpeper, Gerard, Parkinson and Dioscorides. Basil's folklore is as complex as its flavor and aromas. In terms of its legend and symbolism, basil has been both loved and feared. Its associations include such polar opposites as love and hate, danger and protection, and life and death.The generic name, Ocimum, derives from the ancient Greek word, okimon, meaning smell, which suggests the impressive nature of basil's fragrance. The specific epithet, basilicum, is Latin for basilikon, which means kingly/royal in Greek. Henry Beston, in Herbs of the Earth, suggests that basil was so named for the regal "Tyrian" purple color [of its flowers]. According to Parkinson, basil's scent was "fit for a king's house." Many authors suggest that basil's negative associations stem from the similarity of its Latin specific epithet, basilicum, to the name of the basilisk (or basilicus), the mythical serpent with the lethal gaze. According to Helen Noyes Webster's 1936 Herbarist article, the first mention of basil was by Chrysippus (pre-206 B.C.E.): "Ocimum exists only to drive men insane." In his seventeenth-century herbal, Parkinson claimed basil could be used "to procure a cheereful and merry heart." Gerard praised basil as a remedy for melancholy but also repeated Dioscorides' warning that too much basil "dulleth the sight...and is of a hard digestion." Culpeper and Gerard claimed basil would cure scorpion and bee stings, and Gerard mentioned that basil could spontaneously generate worms if chewed and left in the sun. Basil was also reputed to cause the spontaneous generation of scorpions and to cause scorpions to grow in the brain. This connection with scorpions persists to this day in basil's association with the astrological sign, Scorpio. Culpeper sums up the disagreement among ancient writers by deeming basil "the Herb which all Authors are together by the Ears about, and rail at one another like Lawyers."

I feel vindicated! I wasn't really depressed. I wasn't really having a pity party for one. I found my answer as to what happened...the night before my whatever-it-was-thing, I had eaten some fresh basil with fresh mozzerella on fresh baguette and topped it with olive oil and balsamic vinegar. The basil made scorpions grow in my brain!

It's a Bad Day

I almost went to Quail Ridge Books last night to join the Mystery Readers’ Book Club; the topic of discussion was ‘Mysteries Set in Italy’ (for those of you who don’t know me, two facts: I’m a voracious reader and absolutely devour mysteries, and… Italy is my second favorite place in the world placing only a wee bit behind Scotland). However, I didn’t go. I just dreaded going by myself. I’m so tired of doing everything on my own and quite frankly, I’m starting to NOT do things I like because I have no one to share my interests with. I’m not enough for me, I want someone else in my life. I wonder if I lost 30 pounds or was 10 years younger if I’d find someone. Maybe I have some off-putting characteristic I’m not aware of. I wonder what's wrong with me that my family and friends haven’t made any effort to set me up with anyone. I've asked people to introduce me to any single guys they know, and I make jokes (while not really joking) about "Is he single and my age" but I'm not even going to do that anymore. My ego just can't take any more rejection. I hate the other side of my bed being empty and I'm not talking about sex. I miss knowing that someone is there for me.

So what to do, what to do? I've had my shower and am ready to go to work so I'll paste a smile on my face and get on with my day and pretend like I'm just fine. I don't have a big following so only about five people, if that many, will even know that my heart is shredded. Today I’m sad. Today I don’t want to go to work or even set foot out my door. Today I’d like to curl up in my bed and cry.

Shoulda Been A Good One

I had a really nice weekend planned; Friday was dinner with friends, Saturday was lunch at the NC Museum of Art followed by a few hours exploring the Museum with a dear friend and then we were going to a wine tasting, followed by girl time at my place. Sunday was my day to relax. So what went wrong? It should have been so much fun but no! I started feeling sick to my stomach Friday evening while at dinner. Saturday, let’s just say that sleep was the only thing that kept me out of the bathroom. Sunday, I felt OK when I woke up so I decided to try out a church on Hillsborough Street. Now that’s a story, but one best told in person! Shortly after the quote from some long-dead Socialist activist but before the Jimmy Hendrix quote, the ‘ah-oh’...it’s back feeling hit me. Yep, right there in church before God and everybody my stomach started making noises that competed with the choir (who were actually very good). I decided to interpret this as hunger so on my way back home down Capitol Blvd., I stopped in Perkins for a quick bite. I hadn’t eaten on Saturday and I was convinced I was starving. As I followed the hostess to my seat, I saw another friend of mine and had breakfast with her and her delightful family. I ate my omelet and started feeling even worse but I plowed on through the pancakes as I had thoroughly convinced myself that I was starving – NOT sick. Well, the family left as they had errands to run and I finished my meal and left about five minutes later. I drove home doubled over and spent the rest of the day just like I did Saturday. I’m so upset with myself for not taking care of myself as I should, and for allowing this constant stress from my upcoming job loss, my rent and bills that are piling up, and my deep, deep desire to own my own herbal business but fearing that I’ll never make it happen because I don’t know how and I have no one to help me achieve my goal. I’m going to have to do some research into what combination of herbs I need to be taking to keep myself healthy. I need something for energy, something for my stress level that’s causing my tummy to act up so much, and something to lessen my sugar cravings. Tall order for what some call a bunch of weeds...

It was supposed to be such a nice weekend.

Mistress of Spices

I stumbled across this fantastic movie at Blockbuster not too long ago and being enamoured with all aspects of herbs and spices, the name, of course, caught my attention right away. Mistress of Spices...the title conjured up associations that flashed through my mind as quickly as bullets from a machine gun: erotic, exotic, heat, spicy, sweet, mysterious, flagrant, earthy, musky, sharp. I rented the movie and watched it as soon as I got home and was not disappointed. Wiki does a great job of explaining the plot of the movie:

Tilo is an immigrant from India, and a shopkeeper, who is also the Mistress of Spices. The spices she gives to her customers help them to satisfy their needs and desires, such as "sandalwood to dispel painful memories; black cumin seed to protect against evil eye."

As a young girl, Tilo was initiated as one of several young Mistresses of Spices by a First Mother who warns the girls about rules they must follow, or face consequences. They are instructed never to leave their respective stores all around the world, touch the skin of the people they meet or use the spices to their own ends.

Tilo ends up in San Francisco in a store called "Spice Bazaar". Tilo's customers include Haroun, a cab-driver from Kashmir (Nitin Ganatra, a grandfather dealing with an American-born granddaughter Geeta, Kwesi, a man trying to impress his girlfriend and Jagjit, a teenager trying to fit in at school.

Her life takes a turn one day, when a man on a motorcycle (Dylan McDermott), crashes outside her store. Tilo tends to his injuries, while trying to ignore their mutual attraction. Her life changes when he touches her and they begin to fall in love. This man, Doug, is an American and an architect.

But the spices are jealous, and things soon start to go sour in her relationships with her other customers. Haroun gets in an accident, Geeta's family situation does not improve, Jagjit falls in with the wrong crowd at school, and Kwesi's girlfriend breaks up with him. Doug comes to meet her that night and tells her that his mother died.

Tilo recognizes that the source of these misfortunes is her breaking of the rules. The First Mother comes to her in a vision and chastises her. She vows that she will return to India, and posts a notice about a closing sale. She goes all out to help her customers one last time and tells the spices that she will spend just one night with Doug, and then she will give herself totally to them. She closes the store and goes off with Doug for the night. After a sweet night of love-making, she leaves him a note that she must leave and cannot return, but she will always love him. Then she goes back to the store and sets the spices on fire, with her at the center of the flames.
Doug comes searching for her, and finds the store ashambles, and Tilo is still there, alive and barely conscious. There is no sign of a fire, but there was an earthquake. We see a vision of the First Mother sitting at the beach, telling her that since she demonstrated her willingness to give up everything for the spices, now she can have everything and they will never desert her again. Doug agrees to help her rebuild the store, and she reunites with him.

I mean, come on...who doesn't love a good love story? But this one, there's something about it that just inspires me to stay true to my dream, to have my own herbal shop - to be my own Mistress of Spice.

Up-See Daisy

Remember those wonderful mornings in childhood when you were burrowed under your covers, almost awake but not really and you would be smiling while you were stretching your toes and feet and thinking about going to the bathroom before deciding you didn't really need to go because your bed felt so warm and snuggly so you flopped over on your other side to go all the way back to sleep? That was a true state of bliss. You and your bed were one. Your blanket was your fur lined robe and your dreams were your castle. Then your mother went and ruined the whole thing in that sweet, mom-chirpy voice used by mothers the world over, and only in the morning, mind you, by exhorting you to get up RIGHT NOW!!! THIS IS THE THIRD TIME I'VE HAD TO COME IN HERE AND WAKE YOU UP!!! That's the way I felt this morning when my alarm clock went off. A long time ago ~ OK ~ a really long time ago... I had a flight of fancy and wrote a short poem about dreaming:

Oh, Morpheus. Cradle me sweet; rock me in your embrace
Give wing to things like thoughts and dreams of the sea in stars encased
And sirens and mermaids and people of the deep
In this world I can safely keep
My hopes afloat in a bouyant sea
And anything at all I can be

Beep Beep - GET UP. Beep Beep - RIGHT NOW. Yes, Mom...I get up and turn off the clock.

Hmmm, it's a pretty day, isn't it?

Big Girl Panties - No Time for Fear

As most of you know, I've 'been made redundant' as they say in England - I'm losing my job on December 31st. Upon receiving the news from my boss, my immediate thoughts were OMG, what am I going to do? I'll lose my apartment with no job; who wants to hire an Executive Assistant who's over 50? My daughter's in her Senior year at a private college...how will I be able to pay for her tuition? I need new tires and I have no savings. Needless to say, it's been an emotional time that's really made me stop and think about where I want to go from here and what's really and truly important to me. I'm trying to stay positive about this, telling myself this is my opportunity to finally move to the beach (if I can find a job there) and that I can start seriously pushing to realize my dream. I've always wanted to be my own boss but fear always kept me in a safety zone of the 9-5 job with the security of a regular paycheck. I've piddled around with various sales things but that's just not for me. Now, I no longer have time for fear. I need an income and I need it coming in before 12/31. So my tiny kitchen is going to get used for so much more than cooking! I have so many herbal remedies to put together that I don't know how I'm going to do it all. I have salves and tinctures and teas and poultice kits to make. Herbal cleaning products to bottle and wreaths and sachets to assemble. Mini herb dish gardens to grow. I have to think about packing materials and order organic carrier oils and I need a coffee grinder for some spices and a marble mortar and pestle for other herbs and spices. I found a website to sell my herbal goodies so that's not a problem. Hmmmm, I obviously need a little help to get started as there's so much to do...Hey, I could have a prep party with my gal pals and other friends and of course, my li'l sis. Looks like I have the beginnings of a plan to start Thistle Cottage. I'm excited and scared in a good way but already I'm hearing that nasty little voice that says, "Who are you kidding - you can't do this." Well, I'm here to tell you...I've purposely switched my thinking from fearing failure and therefore not even trying to accomplish anything to anticipating success and plowing through details one at a time. Plain and simple....I'm puttin' on my big girl panties and getting down to it so shut up, Mr. Negative! I refuse to let anyone, even myself, stand in the way of my beautiful future. This is it for me. I no longer have the desire for or luxury of choosing fear - I am fighting for the rest of my life to be a success and I'm coming out swinging.

My thought for today (and thank you to my niece for this one):

“I am not afraid of storms for I am learning how to sail my ship.”
Louisa May Alcott

Tummy Tea or Ugh...Cabbage Salad

Wicked Witch of the West voice....Helllllpp Mmmeee - I'm ferrrrrmenting. Ugh....I'm not feeling too well today which is why I'm so late with my blog. I made a cabbage salad Sunday evening that contains (besides the chopped cabbage, of course) dried oriental noodles, green onions, toasted sesame seeds, sliced almonds, apple cider vinegar and olive oil. I'm on a tight budget now and because this salad makes a big amount, really does taste wonderful and is adapted from the South Beach Diet, I was planning on eating it every day this week for lunch to help me with my weight loss plan. Ugh...bad idea. Cabbage ~ need I say more? Lots of cabbage. I was craving the taste and crispy crunch of it. I had it Monday for lunch and it tasted so good I decided to have it again for dinner last night. Yep, you guessed it...and again for breakfast this morning. My stomach is really upset today with gurgles and blurps and other unidentifiable but embarrassing noises. I need some Tummy Tea. Tummy Tea contains chamomile, caraway seed and mint leaves and is very easy to make. Simply crush about 2 teaspoons of caraway seeds to release the volatile oils, bruise a few mint leaves for the same reason and combine that with a half handful of chamomile in boiling water. Quickly cover the pot so the volatile oils don't escape and remove from the stove. After your tea steeps in the pot for 5-10 minutes, you can add honey or sugar to sweeten according to your tastes but when my stomach is upset, sweet is the last thing I want. Make sure you strain out the herbs before drinking your tea.

The volatile oils in caraway seed and mint are two of many herbs referred to as carminatives, which play an important role in our bodies. Encyclopedia.com describes how the carminative herbs work much more clearly than I can so here is their explanation: "Carminative herbs help to stimulate peristalsis, which is the wave-like action that pushes food through the digestive tract. These herbs can also help to relax the smooth muscle of the digestive tract, helping to reduce spasms. The antibacterial properties of the volatile oils aid in reducing gas pains that result from bacteria in the intestines acting on pieces of food that have not been digested fully."

Well, there you have it...what to take when you’ve overloaded on cabbage! I love cabbage but today....Ugh.

I’ll leave you with a thought today:

Your mind is a garden,
your thoughts are the seeds,
the harvest can be either flowers or weeds.
- Author Unknown

Deep Breath

A wedding on Saturday, Sunday-day at my sister’s home for a great family visit and then a two hour drive back to my apartment last night. What a sweet treat it was to walk into my tiny kitchen redolent with the scent of the flowers and herbs I had used early Saturday morning to make the bride’s Herbal Hopes wedding sachet. I stood in the middle of the floor between the counter and the microwave-over-range, closed my eyes and let my shoulders drop, and just drew in the softest, deepest breath I’ve taken in a very long time. I smelled the roses and carnations, and caraway and cumin co-mingled with fresh basil and fresh mint. The lavender and rosemary complemented each other in a way that really surprised me – the dreamy sweetness of the lavender was the perfect foil for the crisp, almost astringent, quality of the rosemary. I had thrown in some other herbs and nuts and spices as well ~ all representing a different aspect of marriage. Working with herbs is my passion; I can’t wait to make these wedding sachets and other products for my shop!

That’s it for today’s blog ~ talk to you tomorrow!

Here Comes the Bride!!!!

My sister makes wonderful wedding cakes; she made one for my mother & stepfather's wedding almost 20 years ago in addition to countless others throughout the intervening years. Today, I'm off to New Bern in just a few minutes to help her assemble a wedding cake for her daughter's (my niece's) best friend and four-year Barton College roommate. I've put together a Wedding Sachet I've named Herbal Hopes for the bride and groom ~ it's filled with various flower petals, herbs, spices, and nut and attached is a little card that explains the wedding folklore behind each item. I'll try to post a picture of the Herbal Hopes Wedding Sachet sometime after this weekend has passed.

Gotta run, I've got to get packed and get gone!

Happy Summer Saturday to You!

Stress Cocktail ~ Stirred, Not Shaken

Good Morning Class. CLASS? CLAAAASS!!!!! Thank you.

Most of us remember Dana Carvey portraying Church Lady on Saturday Night Live as this pathetic woman who had lost control of her life and was totally stressed out. Now maybe your stress level doesn’t make you act quite like this but sometimes I feel like screaming my head off when that o-n-e little, and I do mean little, thing sends me over the edge. As I was watching my coffee drip into the pot this morning in my shiny tiny kitchen, I was thinking about what I had to do at work today and started to feel a little bit stressed. I realized I was just a little edgy, even before coffee! So what happens when we’re stressed? Some of us produce Cortisol in large amounts within our body when stress levels are high which can lead to adrenal imbalance within the body systems. I make a Stress Cocktail that helps counteract these affects by bringing the body back into balance through reduction of stress hormones, and by decreasing overall stress levels. I make up a tea of Valerian Root (works well as a natural sedative and is used to counterbalance the effects of stress), Holy Basil (has been credited with the ability to balance sugar levels in the blood and decrease overall stress levels), Ginseng (attributed to balancing hormonal levels and decreasing cortisol overproduction/ combats many stress-related ailments), and sometimes, if I’m really shaky about an upcoming event, I’ll add in Saint-John's-Wort (used as an antidepressant and is thought to decrease anxiety due to its sedative properties). I’ll drink it twice a day for three days. Here’s something to remember about herbs – these are not powerful pharmaceuticals that you can take one time and you’re all better…herbal remedies must be taken over a period of time to be effective. Oh – and always consult your physician before starting any herbal regimen.

That’s it for today’s blog ~ talk to you tomorrow!

Fog - the 'Grey Flannel' of Weather

I’ve finally emerged from the two year fog I was in after my divorce with the express determination to Live Out Loud. Part of my new found clarity is that I must not keep my dreams and desires to myself; I’ve learned that what I think and feel is of value and expressing my hopes and dreams is good so that’s what I’m attempting to do here. I was standing in my tiny kitchen sipping coffee this morning and admiring the view of my apartment door (my kitchen doesn’t face a window) when I realized that the fog from heart-sickness is so insidious I didn’t even know I was in it until I came out of it. No, not a mental illness thing...I just lost my way for a few years. When it’s foggy (weather-wise) outside it feels like grey flannel on your skin, soft and warm and cuddly and people tend to get just a little more quiet-but the good kind-until the sun comes back out. But emotional fog is like grey wool – it heavily blankets the edges of your mind, scratching at your heart and leaving you with the ability to function but not really live. Maybe I should have taken Clary tea: first cousin to Clary Sage, it’s rejuvenating, balancing, inspiring and revitalizing to the spirit.

So – the fog has lifted, the sun is out, and I am a happy camper eagerly embracing my life and living it out loud. I’m excited about the promises and challenges of tomorrow’s unknowns. I laugh a lot now, I’m sharing things with my gal pals, making new friends, and am ready to enter the dating scene. Now that’s a scary thing – single at 52? It seems to me that the men my age are looking for a woman half their age. Oh, did you hear me just now? That sound was a cross between a snort and a sneer...not a very ladylike thing to do but then again, if I’m thinking it or feeling it I refuse to hide it. It’s part of living my life out loud. I’ve dated sporadically since the divorce but now I’m open to an actual relationship.

That’s about it for today. Let’s talk tomorrow!

I truly love herbs. Spices too, of course. Their scent, taste, uses...everything about herbs and spices really appeals to me. It’s this deep-seated passion that drives me to open Thistle Cottage – my own ‘all-things-herbal’ business. I’ve drawn up floor plans of what my store will look like, including the greenhouses in the back, and although my drawing skills make a 3 year old look talented, I see my shop clearly in my mind’s eye. I’ve made lists of the inventory I need on-hand and shelving/storage methods. In my mind, I can hear the chimes over the door tinkle as my customers come in. I’m so excited about my shop, my heaven. Now, I have to find funding for it. Anyone know any Angel Investors? I guess that would be a discussion for another day because I want to talk about what I do with herbs & spices. Besides the obvious culinary use of most herbs and spices, mixing and matching them with everyday items in your home can provide some wonderful medicinal remedies and home life products with an added ecological benefit. For example, I’ve just started making herbal candles (basil, mint, lavender & rosemary) and I’ve finished the six weeks ‘sitting time’ on a fantastic bug repellant that works as well on animals as people to keep the flying critters away. Tomorrow I’m hoping to complete the label design for the pump spray bottles; I’m sending about a dozen bottles to my daughter’s college for use in their horse barns. Additionally, I’ll soon be taking both the bug repellant and the candles to the Flea Market at the State Fairgrounds in Raleigh on August 8th as a market test. Look for me there if you’re in the area - I’ll let you know in the next few days which slot I’ll be in. If not, contact me at: thistlecottage@live.com.

A friend came over last week for dinner and I made a quick and easy low-fat dessert you might enjoy:

Prepare one box of No-Pudge Brownie Mix as directed. When you are ready to serve dessert, place a brownie on a plate, top it with a square of raspberry filled sugar free dark chocolate and place in the microwave for 30 seconds. Generously top with Sugar Free Cool Whip (in the squirt-can), and top with a chiffonade* of fresh mint leaves. A smattering of fresh raspberries on the side would be perfect when they are in season.

*Chiffonade is just a cooking technique. You simply stack a few mint leaves (how many is up to how many brownies you are serving but I usually only do 1-2 per person) on top of each other and them roll them up. Then you slice them very thinly. They come out as green ribbons that not only add a flavor to your brownies but make it look pretty as well. Oh – I’ve used Orange Mint and Chocolate Mint on brownies as well with great results.

So, that’s about it for my first day of blogging. Let’s talk tomorrow!